Phin De Siècle

When your entire lineup barely bats their weight. When your cleanup hitter strikes out 17 times in 9 games. When your 38 year old left fielder suddenly decides to Schmidt himself. When your soon-to-be-free-agent right fielder thinks RISP is a strategy-based board game. When your 2nd baseman comes back too soon from injury and develops an acute case of "manos de piedra". When the one guy you have consistently coming off the bench goes 0 for the playoffs. When your leadoff hitter, who missed half the season due to injury (and also came back too soon) can't run (or hit). When you won't stop throwing a guy who's ABSOLUTELY MURDERING YOU the one pitch he loves to hit. When your starting eight combine for a grand total of 4 homeruns. When you start forcing things. When the Baseball Gods turn their back on you.

You lose.

The Phillies 2010 season came to an abrupt, but not entirely unexpected end on Saturday. And clearly, we can blame it all on the pitching. Really, what team can expect to compete when their entire staff puts up a combined ERA of 2.42?

Congrats Phils, you made superstars out of an absolutely mediocre team by doing something I thought only the Eagles did in this town, you out-mediocred them. SERIOUSLY LOOK AT THEIR OUTFIELD. CODY ROSS WAS A MARLINS CASTOFF FOR CHRIST'S SAKE. YOU HEAR THAT?
HE. COULDN'T. MAKE. THE. MARLINS.

Winners (figuratively speaking):

Roy "Mother Fucking" Halladay...FOUR. INNINGS. WITH. A. PULLED. GROIN. Also vaporized Pat The Bat with mind bullets. Oh, also pitched a no-hitter, or something.
Cole "Faberge Egg" Hamels...I'm calling it: you can no longer hate on Cole. Ever. His prissyness is forever excused.
Ryan "Toe Jam" Madson...MADSON SMASH!!!!! ALSO PITCH WELL!!!
Jose "↑ ↑ ↓ ↓ ← → ← → B A" Contreras...Got all the outs he was required to get.
Brad "Yes, I'm Aware Of The Balk Rules" Lidge...Ditto, even with the walks.
Mike "I Deserve Better, But Here's A Hug Anyway" Sweeney...Uh, hello? Charlie? You were aware that this guy was still on our team, right? I mean, he only BATTED 1.000. Good thing Gload took all his at bats.

Losers:

Jimmy "No Really, I'm OK" Rollins...Lets just forget '10 ever happened for JRoll.
Shane "'Mahalo' Also Means 'Wrong First Step' in Hawaiian" Victorino...8 for 37 is good. For the Grapefruit League.
Raul "I'm Tarnishing My Image With Every At Bat" Ibanez...it's time for our boy to man up and admit he just can't play anymore.
Chase "I Secrete My Own Hair Gel" Utley..."What's bullshit?" Your errors. And your .212 batting average.
Joe "Heavy B" Blanton...turns out, batters LIKE high fastballs. And Chooch DOES NOT like breaking balls that bounce 3 feet in front of him.
Chad "Let Me Talk To You About A Unique Business Opportunity" Durbin...Meltdown city.
Jayson "What, Me, RBI?" Werth...MR ANTI CLUTCH. This postseason may have actually lowered his trade value.
Carlos "Panamania Is Runnin' Wild" Ruiz... Um, I really can't speak ill of Chooch. Seriously. He'll destroy me. So...yeah.
Ben "Last Night A Helmet Saved My Life" Francisco...I say "Ben Francisco" and you say "What about Ben Francisco?" and then I say "EXACTLY. What ABOUT Ben Francisco?"
Ross "There's A Reason I'm A Journeyman" Gload...The anti-Stairs. I guess that makes him the escalator, but the only thing he escalated was my risk of having a stroke while watching him.
Joe Buck and Tim McCarver...It occurs to me that Joe Buck really doesn't care for baseball. Or possibly just hates McCarver, and really, who can blame him. Anybody that hangs out with Lefty that long has got to be annoying.

Meh:

Ryan Howard
Placido Polanco
Domonic Brown
Roy Oswalt
Wilson Valdez
JC Romero
Antonio Bastardo
TBS



Played their last game as Phils:

Raul.
Heavy B.
Werth.
Sweeney. *sniff*
Moyer.
Gload.


Sigh. See you in February.